Aquí y ahora 30 (Diario de escritura), por Miguel Ángel Hernández

Lunes 13 de febrero

Corriges todo el día. Desde que despiertas hasta que te vas a la cama. Apenas te levantas de la silla para comer. Ayer terminaste el primer borrador; pusiste punto final a la historia. Ahora no sabes cómo dejarla de lado unas semanas para tomar distancia. Y hoy vuelves sobre ella para limpiarla de erratas y poder mostrarla a los primeros lectores sin que sea demasiado vergonzoso.

Por la noche, Raquel termina de leer el final. Se emociona. Y dice que, a pesar de todo, la historia te ha vuelto a salir nostálgica y melancólica. No importa lo que pretendas hacer, al final acabas volviendo al mismo lugar. Quizá es lo único que sabes hacer.

 

Martes 14 de febrero

Entrevista por la mañana para el periódico de la universidad. Te gusta la conversación. Percibes ilusión e interés sincero en las preguntas. Acabas con la sensación de que alguien ha leído con emoción lo que has escrito. Te alegra el día.

Amplías la memoria del iMac y te sientes ingeniero informático. Sólo has tenido que quitar unos tornillos y meter la placa de memoria en el interior, pero aun así te parece todo un logro. Ahora el Mac vuela.

Por la tarde sigues quitando erratas de la novela. No corriges más allá de eso. Tampoco tendría sentido. Muchos de los párrafos desaparecerán. Quizá incluso capítulos enteros. No serviría para mucho trabajar el estilo antes de ver si todo funciona.

Por la noche, el Barça pierde en París y no puedes evitar disfrutarlo.

 

Miércoles 15 de febrero

Mañana de tutorías en la universidad. En un momento de descanso, se te ocurre un título para la novela. Habías barajado ya unos cuantos, pero este lo ves con claridad. Le va a dar un sentido melancólico a la novela, pero te gusta. Lo escribes. Ves cómo queda en la página, cómo quedaría en la portada. Te convence. Imprimes una copia del manuscrito y la encuadernas. Ahora sí. Novela en descanso durante unas semanas. Tiempo perfecto para atender los mil textos que tienes que entregar antes de que los acreedores comiencen a emplear la violencia.

Compras el último libro de Javier Cercas, El monarca de las sombras. Has leído las primeras páginas en Internet y ya no te aguantas. Sabes que tiene mucho con tu novela, al menos en la forma y el procedimiento. En cuanto llegas a casa te pones a leer y ya no lo sueltas. Cortas a media tarde para presentar en Alguazas tu Diario de Ithaca. Viajas con Javier y te encuentras el auditorio vacío. Habláis para el organizador, el fotógrafo, el técnico de sonido, el conserje y una señora que debe de haberse equivocado de sitio. Cinco personas. Intentas meterte en el papel, pero no puedes. Se te nota desolado.

Regresas a Murcia y ves ganar al Madrid mientras tomas unas cervezas en el Parlamento. Allí le das la novela a Leo. Le haces entrega del manuscrito como si fuera un tesoro. Y algo de eso tiene. Al menos para ti. Pocas cosas te importan ahora mismo más que eso. Sabes que es egoísta, pero sin ese egoísmo los libros no saldrían adelante. En tu cabeza la novela ocupa incluso más espacio que el sexo. Es tu máxima obsesión. Y ahora, mientras esperas el veredicto, estás en el borde del abismo.

Al llegar a casa, vuelves a abrir el libro de Cercas. Te quedas leyendo hasta la madrugada. Aprendes en cada párrafo.

 

Jueves 16 de febrero

Dos horas de prácticas en Filosofía. Comenzáis a trabajar sobre Baudelaire y El pintor de la vida moderna. Hablas de las transformaciones del tiempo y el espacio durante la modernidad, el contexto en el que surge y hay que entender la obra de Baudelaire. Te entretienes en el análisis de la belleza moderna, en esa visión de lo bello como aquello que está entre dos tiempos, con un pie en el pasado y con otro en el presente. La belleza a contratiempo.

Por la tarde, presencias la grabación de una serie de preguntas a Peter Greenaway en la sala de Verónicas. Al terminar, conversas con él sobre la exposición que inaugura al día siguiente y sobre su anterior visita a Murcia. No te recuerda. No recuerda nada. Pregunta sin cesar y apenas presta atención a las respuestas. Jacobo Montes, el protagonista de tu primera novela, está inspirado en esa actitud.

La exposición es interesante. Aunque su pintura está a años luz de su trabajo como cineasta. Muchos de los temas vienen de sus películas (el color, el cuerpo, los fragmentos, la pulsión numérica…). Y es gracias a ellas que todo toma sentido. En cualquier caso, ha sabido sacar partido a la sala de exposiciones. Y la experiencia merece la pena. Es mejor el montaje que la propia obra.

Después, acudes a la inauguración de la instalación de José García Vallés en la Fundación Newcastle. Frente a la escala casi desbordante de la obra de Greenaway, las video proyecciones sobre la pequeña casa de muñecas de la Fundación parecen un juego. Un juego minucioso, preciso y elegante. En Verónicas el arte te rodea y te paraliza; aquí tienes que poner de tu parte, mirar con detenimiento, observar con curiosidad las pequeñas formas de luz, los diminutos fantasmas lumínicos que lo convierten todo en un pequeño espacio espectral. Las grandes ideas a veces también aparecen bajo la forma de lo mínimo. La belleza no es una cuestión de escala.

 

Viernes 17 de febrero

A clase sin demasiadas ganas. Te habrías quedado todo el día en la cama. Hablas de Friedrich y Delacroix. También de Courbet. Romanticismo y realismo, dos pilares en los inicios del arte moderno: lo que no podemos ver (lo sublime invisible) y lo que no queremos ver (la crudeza de lo excesivamente visible).

Por la tarde, reunión con Luis. Te enseña su nueva obra y te propone un comisariado. No cesas de cargarte de trabajo y no encuentras el modo de decir que no. Justo después, presentación del último libro de Ginés Sánchez, Dos mil noventa y seis. Ginés es un escritor de verdad. Auténtico. Para él, cada frase es un desafío; cada página, una batalla. Se nota en su escritura. Condensada, pulida, rotunda, como excavada en la roca. Frases contundentes, violentas, duras. Como toda su literatura. Como la novela que ahora presenta. Un futuro distópico. El mundo derrumbado. Unos personajes en busca de una vida digna. Refugiados del futuro. Mientras lees, tienes la impresión de estar viendo una película. Imaginas los pies polvorientos, las bocas pastosas, el cielo amenazador, las ruinas enterradas… Imaginas ese futuro y llega el temblor.

Tras la presentación, celebración en el Pura Vida. Por alguna razón, llegas cansado. Más de la cuenta. Te duele el cuello y la espalda. Te escapas unos minutos a comer algo y, a la vuelta, el cansancio aún es mayor. Regresas a casa temprano y caes en la cama.

 

Sábado 18 de febrero

Te han hackeado la cuenta de Instagram. Alguien ha cambiado el nombre de usuario y la contraseña. También el mail que permite restablecerla. Sólo al final de la noche, varias horas después de haber denunciado, la recuperas. Todo vuelve a la normalidad. Pero te quedas con una sensación extraña: han entrado en tus redes; podrían hacer cualquier cosa; lo digital es un espacio inseguro.

Ves El hombre de las mil caras. No recordabas la historia de Paesa. Regresa la estafa, la cutrez del gobierno español, lo sórdido de un tiempo que no se ha ido del todo. Luego está Roldán, claro. Otro grandísimo caradura. Caradura melancólico. Carlos Santos borda el personaje. Desde luego, Goya merecido.

 

Domingo 19 de febrero

Todo el día escribiendo el prólogo para el libro de entrevistas de un amigo. Llevas dos días atrancado ahí y hoy tienes que terminarlo. Los textos pequeños a veces se atragantan más que los grandes. Cuando salen, son un momento. Pero cuando se quedan en punto muerto, pueden ser losas inamovibles. Afortunadamente, a media tarde logras acabarlo. Cinco páginas. Dos mil quinientas palabras.

Con todo terminado, te encierras con el libro de Cercas, que sólo has podido degustar a pequeños sorbos. Es un texto íntimo y al mismo tiempo histórico. En la frontera entre historia y literatura. Entre los hechos y los afectos. Entre el ensayo y la narración. Entre los datos y la especulación. La síntesis perfecta entre historia y memoria. El lugar donde ambas se entrelazan. La historia de Manuel Mena, tío abuelo del escritor. La historia del héroe que luchó por una causa equivocada. Un modo de asumir los fallos del pasado, de afrontar la responsabilidad de las generaciones que nos preceden. De nuevo, Cercas vuela alto. No podrías decir que te ha gustado más que La velocidad de la luz o que Soldados de Salamina, pero tampoco que te ha gustado menos. Está a la altura de sus mejores obras. Incluso es más sincero, si cabe, más emocionante. Terminas con lágrimas en los ojos. Cierras el libro y tienes claro que eso –en otro contexto, claro– es justo lo que tú querías hacer en tu novela. Por supuesto, eres consciente de que aún no lo has conseguido. Cercas es un grande. Tú estás empezando.

 

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