Aquí y ahora 29 (Diario de escritura), por Miguel Ángel Hernández

Lunes 6 de febrero

Despiertas en Barcelona con algo de resaca y dolor de estómago. Desayunas con Leo en un bar en el que pedir un café un con leche y una tostada a esta hora es una odisea. Un lunes a las doce y media ya no se desayuna, se come.

Os encontráis con Sergio, Aixa, Ella, Jordi y Rubén en el bar del CCCB. Ahí entra rápido, sobre el café, el primer vermut del día. Os habéis saltado la rueda de prensa del Premio Biblioteca Breve y vais directos al cóctel y la comida. Cuando llegáis al Museo Marítimo, ya están todos allí. Te abrazas con Iván y, a lo lejos, atisbas el gentío. En ese momento te pone nervioso. Los quieres saludar a todos. A los amigos, a los conocidos, a los admirados. Casi no falta nadie. Si hace unos años te hubieran dicho que estarías aquí, no te lo habrías creído. Hablas con Vila-Matas, conoces a Fresán, saludas a Luisgé, a Marta Sanz, te reencuentras con Lara, con Braulio, con Agustín, Álvaro, Alejandro, Marcos… mil escritores que admiras. La gente viene y va. Ninguna conversación termina de instalarse del todo. Todas se interrumpen constantemente. Siempre hay alguien nuevo que llega, alguien diferente con quien hablar. Una orgía debe parecerse bastante a eso. Un placer siempre diferido, siempre en el otro lugar, siempre entrecortado.

El instante de peligro es la búsqueda de la mesa. En un momento determinado, todos comienzan a caminar hacia el interior de la sala. Los profesionales caminan hacia el final, donde las mesas están vacías. Hay otros que ya han hecho cálculos y saben con quién se van a sentar. Pero incluso así, hay tensión. Te recuerda a esos momentos en que los ciclistas se vigilan antes del sprint. No quieres quedarte sin mesa. Y al final consigues un buen sitio. Con Leo, Mario, Juan, Christian, Laura, Inés y Marta. Escritores, periodistas y agentes. Combinación perfecta.

La fiesta, en realidad, comienza después de la comida, en el Ámbar. Allí ya no hay mesas, ni vergüenza. Pero sí alcohol y amistad. Y conversaciones sobre libros, escritores, ventas, proyectos y futuros desembarcos. No es literatura, pero es el mundo literario. A mitad de la tarde, el alcohol se te ha subido y necesitas comer algo. El grupo se divide. Y tú te vas con los van a cenar sentados en Il Giardinetto. Allí están Pisón, David, Llucia, Leo, Ella y Sergio. También Anna Maria y Víctor. Y luego llegan Miguel, Malcolm y Pardeza. Leo y tú os acabáis sentando cerca de él. Sigue siendo un mito. Conversar con él es un privilegio. Estar en esa mesa es un privilegio. Escuchar las historias de David, las anécdotas de Pisón… no cesas de pellizcarte, una vez más, para comprobar que todo esto es verdad.

 

Martes 7 de febrero

Las siete horas de tren se mezclan con la resaca, aunque te hace menos eterno de lo que esperabas. Por la noche, reventado, escribes el diario de un tirón y caes sobre la cama como si fueras una piedra de ciento y pico kilos.

 

Miércoles 8 de febrero

Toda la mañana de tutorías. Tesis doctorales y Trabajos de Fin de Máster. Después, clase de inglés. No quieres perder lo poco que tenías, sobre todo de cara al congreso que el mes que viene tienes en Oslo.

Después de comer, taller literario. Corrección de ejercicios y pequeño tutorial sobre Scrivener, el programa que utilizas para planificar y escribir la novela.

Por la noche estás cansado. Aún no se ha pasado la resaca de Barcelona. Pero después de cenar te encierras a escribir. Has venido con unas ganas locas de terminar tu novela. Hablar de literatura y estar entre escritores te recarga las baterías. El éxito de los demás es el mejor acicate.

 

Jueves 9 de febrero

Te levantas temprano y, antes de ir a clase, sigues escribiendo. Te quedan tres capítulos para llegar al final, ese final que habías esbozado en unos folios en sucio y que poco a poco vas transcribiendo. Una semana; necesitarías una semana aislado del mundo para poder terminarlo todo.

Apuras hasta el último segundo de la mañana y sales en coche para el Campus de Espinardo. La clase se pasa volando. Explicas el proceso de surgimiento del sistema del arte moderno a través de eso que Pierre Bourdieu llamó “la institucionalización de la anomia”. Ese es el origen, dices, de la libertad del artista.

Por la tarde, de nuevo, taller literario. Hablas de Scrivener teniendo como ejemplo la novela que escribes. Muestras que el programa también guarda archivos PDF. Enseñas uno sobre el que trabajas, la noticia del crimen que está detrás de tu novela. Una alumna que acaba de incorporarse al taller dice que conoce a la familia de la víctima. No sabes cómo reaccionar. ¿Qué probabilidad había de que el día en que por azar muestras esto en clase, alguien, que precisamente llega hoy para probar el curso, conozca lo sucedido? La vida, sin duda, tiene la estructura de la ficción.

Después del taller, pasas rápidamente por la inauguración de Art Nueve y no dejas de saludar amigos. Los cuadros y esculturas de Antonio González te parecen delicados y sutiles. “Ruido blanco”, es el título de la exposición. Los cromatismos negros y rojos, la textura de la pintura, el contraste de volúmenes de bordes precisos y líneas que se desvanecen…, varias tradiciones pictóricas –y escultóricas– abstractas se dan la mano en sus pinturas sobre lienzo y estructuras de cartón.

Al llegar a casa quisieras encerrarte a escribir, pero decides leer. Y vuelves a recorrer las últimas páginas el nuevo libro de Enrique Vila-Matas. Mac y su contratiempo. Llevas varias semanas degustándolo. Te enviaron el avance editorial y te dijeron que guardaras silencio hasta el día de la publicación. Lo has leído sin poner un solo tuit, una sólo foto en Instagram, un solo comentario en el diario. Lo devoraste casi de un tirón cuando llegó y ahora lo vuelves a leer con detenimiento. Es Vila-Matas en estado puro. Un festín. Tu cabeza no para de hacer asociaciones, de viajar adelante y hacia atrás a lo largo de la obra del escritor. Lo lees teniendo cerca Una casa es para siempre, el libro cuya estructura reverbera en esta “novela”. Identificas voces, temas, giros y situaciones. Repetición y diferencia. Es el eco de un ventrílocuo. La voz distorsionada, que retorna y centellea, que se reactualiza en otro contexto. De nuevo, no cesas de pensar en la escritura de Vila-Matas en términos artísticos: apropiación, performance, cuestionamiento de la autoría, de la originalidad, puesta en cuestión de todos los géneros. Cuento, novela, ensayo, diario… En realidad, su obra se puede entender como comentario a la historia de la literatura. Comentario en el mejor de los sentidos. Comentario que hace la avanzar un paso más. Los 53 de Perec se convierten en 54. Eso lo que sucede, en realidad, con todo el edificio narrativo que, libro tras libro, construye Vila-Matas, que avanza constantemente hacia delante, incluso cuando el avance no se percibe a primera vista, cuando viene travestido de repetición, de salto, de anacronismo, de contratiempo. Tienes la sensación de que estás ante un libro-mercurio, un libro que se escapa, que elude cualquier posibilidad de apresarlo. Como la propia obra del escritor, que, a través de la recreación, avanza hacia un lugar que aún no está creado del todo. Un lugar se forma para él, que se constituye en el propio avance. Es grande, Vila-Matas. Sin duda, más que nadie, es “la inteligencia divirtiéndose”.

 

Viernes 10 de febrero

Dos horas de clase a primera hora de la mañana. Explicas el cambio de régimen visual en la modernidad, las lógicas de la hipervisualidad y las resistencias del arte moderno al sistema de vigilancia panóptico. Sientes esta mañana que conectas con los alumnos y que algo de esa arenga a favor del arte como movimiento a la contra acaba llegando.

Comes con Marta y, de nuevo, cae una botella de vino. Tienes en la cabeza en todo momento en la novela que estás escribiendo. No puedes desconectar. Tampoco cuando llegas a casa con unas pizzas de Via Torino y ves con Raquel Tarde para la ira. No es para tanto. En cuanto acaba la película, te encierras a escribir. La historia te explota ya dentro, lo sientes. Te acuestas de madrugada cuando comienzan a cerrársete los ojos y las frases en la pantalla dejan de tener sentido.

 

Sábado 11 de febrero

Penúltimo capítulo. Habías pensado que ibas a necesitar una semana sin moverte del sitio, pero anoche la sesión de escritura fue fructífera. Si sigues a ese ritmo, hoy acabas este capítulo y mañana terminas el primer borrador. Para llegar ahí, has tenido que hacer ciertas cosas que no has podido contar en el diario –habrían desvelado demasiado y quieres mantener algo de misterio–. Sabes que, después, la novela se comunicará con lo que ahora escribes. Ambas historias se iluminarán mutuamente.

Habías reservado en un restaurante para salir a cenar con Raquel, pero lo anulas. Le pides perdón. Hoy no vives en casa, eres una sombra. Estás llegando al final. Estás en la zona, en el lugar preciso en el que fluyen las palabras, un espacio diferente al del mundo real. La sensación en intensa. Todo te urge y al mismo tiempo quisieras que fuera eterno. Te levantas, te sientas, das vueltas alrededor de la habitación cuando finalizas un párrafo. Lo dejas todo esbozado para el día siguiente. El último capítulo, el final de la historia.

 

Domingo 12

Despiertas temprano pero cansado. Has dormido mal y las pesadillas han vuelto. Es normal, también quieren estar en el final.

Estás en pijama desde el viernes. No te has cambiado, no te has duchado, no te has aseado. Incluso la piel escribe. La piel sucia, el olor de la habitación con la ventana cerrada, las tazas de café acumuladas sobre la mesa, los libros abiertos, los cuadernos, los folios desperdigados… No quieres tocar nada. Todo eso también escribe.

Poco a poco te acercas al final. Cortas unos minutos para comer. Después, siesta breve antes de afrontar el último tramo.

A finales de la tarde entras en la última escena. El tiempo se frena. El último párrafo. La última frase. La última palabra. Y el punto final. Te emocionas y se te eriza la nuca. Y, tras dos saltos de línea, “FIN”. Necesitas escribir estas tres letras. Eres consciente de todo lo que queda. Quizá mucho más de lo que llevas. Ahora llegará la corrección, los diferentes borradores –de la anterior hiciste once–, hasta la versión final. Pero necesitabas sacarte la historia de encima. Y escribir FIN es cerrar una puerta. Ahora la historia es un libro. Ya no más una vida. Ya no más eso que te rompe por dentro. Aunque no puedas evitar emocionarte al corregir, aunque no puedas evitar sentir que tras el texto hay una verdad, aunque no puedas dejar de percibir que la historia palpita bajo la forma de la novela. Ahora ya es todo palabra. Y la palabra domestica la realidad.

Te levantas de la silla como si el árbitro hubiese pitado el final del partido. Respiras. Besas a Raquel. Te duchas. El agua se lleva la historia. Sales poco a poco de la zona de la escritura. Imprimes las páginas y las dejas sobre la mesa del despacho. Las miras sin saber muy bien cómo te sientes. Es el vértigo. Es la ilusión. Es la alegría. Es la emoción. Es el dolor. Es la literatura.

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