Aquí y ahora 35 (Diario de escritura), por Miguel Ángel Hernández

Lunes 20 de marzo

Despiertas con sueño y la boca seca. Anoche se te hicieron más de las cuatro terminando la conferencia de Oslo. El traductor te contesta que tendrás la revisión del texto mañana por la mañana. Muy justo, pero a tiempo para preparar el Power Point y ensayar la pronunciación.

En la universidad, consejo de departamento. Te lían para estar en la comisión de una plaza de profesor. Dicen que serán dos semanas de gestiones y revisión de currículums, pero que alguien tiene que hacerlo y que ahora no puedes escaparte.

En pleno ataque de ansiedad, te compras una bici. La última te la robaron de la cochera y llevas ya un tiempo con la idea en la cabeza. Por alguna extraña razón, piensas que hoy es buen día para hacerlo y pierdes lo que queda de mañana en la tienda.

Por la noche, quedas con Leo para hablar de tu novela. Hace ya un mes que terminaste el primer borrador y es momento de comenzar la corrección. Quieres llevarte algunas impresiones de lectura para tenerlas en la cabeza mientras estás en Oslo.

A Leo le ha gustado y te devuelve el manuscrito anotado y lleno de sugerencias. Dice que ya la tienes y que está mucho más adelantada de lo que había pensado. Te confirma muchas de tus intuiciones. Te alegra la noche y brindáis por el nuevo libro. Disfrutas del momento, aunque en el fondo sigues inquieto por todo lo que tienes que hacer antes de ponerte con la novela.

Al llegar a casa, comienzas a pensar que aún no has preparado nada del viaje y que sales en un día. En la cama, piensas en lo que te vas a llevar, en cómo vas a preparar la presentación, en que al día siguiente te va a dar el tiempo justo, en que no llegas, no llegas, no llegas, no llegas.

 

Martes 21 de marzo

Te levantas extraño. Te duele todo el cuerpo, sobre todo la mandíbula. Después de desayunar intentas contestar unos correos y notas que apenas ves por el ojo izquierdo. No ves el texto. Es como si las gafas no funcionaran. Ya se pasará, piensas. Pero no se pasa y sigues viendo borroso. Bajas al óptico del pueblo y, después de unas pruebas, te dice que vayas corriendo a urgencias. No sabe lo que es, pero no es normal que de un día para otro dejes de ver. Puede ser un desprendimiento de retina. En urgencias pasas la mañana –esa mañana que ibas a dedicar a preparar la conferencia– y el médico no llega a saber lo que te pasa. Todo parece normal, pero tú sigues sin ver. Al final de la mañana te envía a la clínica oftalmológica, donde tienen todos los instrumentos para explorar el ojo en profundidad. A las cuatro, Raquel te lleva a Oftalvist y allí comienzan a hacerte todo tipo de pruebas. Parece que todo está bien. No es desprendimiento de retina. Ni tensión en la vista. Ni nada neurológico, al menos eso es lo que parece. Sólo después de varias exploraciones el oftalmólogo se da cuenta de que el ojo está inflamado y que esa puede ser la causa. El estrés, dice. El cuerpo ha buscado la manera de decirte que lo estabas poniendo al límite. Te ha avisado antes del colapso. Ahora, reposo. Y colirio y antinflamatorio cada cuatro horas. Así, diez días. Diez días con la pupila dilatada. ¿El viaje a Oslo?, preguntas. Cancélalo, dice el médico. Ahora no estás en condiciones de viajar.

Escribes como puedes un mail a Mieke Bal excusándote y le envías la ponencia para que vea que, al menos, has trabajado. Dice que no te preocupes, que la salud es lo primero y que ella la leerá por ti.

Pasas la tarde apesadumbrado y preocupado. Pero también, lo confiesas, relajado. Es como si te hubieras quitado un peso de encima. A pesar de ver borroso y no poder hacer nada, te sientes liberado. En el fondo, el cuerpo te ha hecho hacer lo que deseabas.

Esa misma noche, escribes para cancelar algunos de los próximos compromisos que tenías. Cancelas el viaje a Chile, cancelas varios textos a los que te habías comprometido y que te iban a hacer alejarte de lo que realmente quieres hacer. En la cama, comienzas a pensar que se ha acabado la tontería, que el cuerpo es sabio y que no tienes necesidad de decir que sí a todo, que en realidad lo que estás haciendo es perder tiempo y vida, que nada sirve para nada si no lo disfrutas, que ya has trabajado bastante por cosas que tenías que hacer y que a partir de ahora sólo vas a hacer las cosas que quieres hacer, las que te interesan, las que el cuerpo te pide sin rebelarse.

 

Miércoles 22 de marzo

Sigues sin ver. No puedes leer, ni escribir. Intentas escuchar algún podcast. Tocas el piano, sales a caminar. Te aburres.

 

Jueves 23 de marzo

Aburrido todo el día. No sabes qué hacer sin leer o escribir. Paseas con gafas de sol. Te escriben algunos amigos. Déjatelo todo, dicen. Todo menos lo suyo, claro.

 

Viernes 24 de marzo

Comienzas el día con un paseo. Al final la felicidad va a estar también en estos pequeños momentos.

Retomas la novela. Aunque no ves bien, revisas las anotaciones de Leo y empiezas a tenerla en la cabeza. En el fondo, es lo que más deseas ahora, poder entrar de nuevo en ella. Sientes que ha llegado el momento. La historia reclama su lugar, una vez más.

 

Sábado 25 de marzo

Sigues sin ver bien, pero si sitúas los libros a una cierta distancia, puedes llegar a leer tapándote un ojo. De lejos, sí que ves. Así que decides salir a dar un paseo en bicicleta y compras algunos libros en Diego Marín. Te sientas en una terraza con un café y comienzas a leer Canción triste, de Leila Slimani. Es la primera vez que eliges un libro por el tamaño de la letra. Te atrapa desde el principio, pero no puedes aguantar más de quince minutos seguidos sin marearte.

 

Domingo 26 de marzo

Sigues igual. Visión borrosa. Intentas escribir, pero no puedes hacerlo como quisieras.

Sales a dar un paseo en bici por la huerta. Pedaleas despacio como si estuvieras descubriendo un mundo nuevo. Llegas hasta el Yeguas y encuentras allí a tus hermanos, que te invitan a un café. Les cuentas lo que te ha pasado en la vista. Eso te pasa por leer tanto, dice tu hermano Juan. Haz el favor ya de dejarte esa tontería y cuídate, añade tu hermano Emilio.  Yk, después, tu hermano Pepe, por teléfono, sigue en la misma línea: ¡No leas más! ¿Es que no has leído ya suficientes libros en toda tu vida? Comprendes que para ellos leer es algo que haces por curiosidad, por placer o por vicio y que, desde luego, no pueden concebir que sea un trabajo. No leas más. Como si eso fuera posible para ti. No pueden imaginar que pedirte eso a ti es lo mismo que pedirte que dejes de vivir: “No respires más, ¿es que no has respirado ya lo suficiente a lo largo de tu vida?”

 

 

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“Aquí y ahora 35 (Diario de escritura), por Miguel Ángel Hernández”
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